Bulls Eye - M's Gems Targets Child Bullies

By: Melissa Goldberg

Sticks & Stones

A young man, Tyler Clementi, 18 years old, sadly committed suicide after he was embarrassed and fell victim to bullying when a video of him having sex with a male partner was uploaded onto the internet. It is appalling that a case of bullying could lead this young man to a place where he was so hurt that his only solution was to take his own life. This event has opened the eyes to many about the growing epidemic of bullying. In today’s world there are even more ways for folks to intentionally hurt another by either physical or emotional pain. What blows my mind is, I look at the picture of the young girl charged with invading Tyler Clementi’s privacy and I don’t see a “bully”. She looks like a sweet and smart girl and I wonder if she really had any idea about what the consequences would be for doing an act that was so insensitive, cruel and just plain stupid.

Have you ever heard the term “playing nice in the sandbox”? Bulling is a problem and according to statistics it’s getting worse. Bully by definition is aggressive behavior that involves unwanted, negative actions. Bullying involves a pattern of behavior repeated over time and bullying involves an imbalance of power or strength.

There are many forms of bullying such as;
1. Verbal bullying including derogatory comments and bad names 
2. Bullying through social exclusion or isolation 
3. Physical bullying such as hitting, kicking, shoving, and spitting 
4. Bullying through lies and false rumors
5. Having money or other things taken or damaged by students who bully 
6. Being threatened or being forced to do things by students who bully 
7. Racial bullying 
8. Sexual bullying
9. Cyber bullying (via cell phone or Internet)

Bullying incidents begin as early as elementary school age, continue throughout the school years including college and sadly enough bullying often happens to adults in the workplace as well. There is a movement that is looking to have laws passed through legislation, or better yet tighter laws on bullying, but the truth is, even with state and federal laws in place it will not be enough to stop this epidemic. Kirk Smalley, the father of Ty Smalley, who also took his life this year made a good point on our rather intense and emotional radio show this week, about laws. He said, “Robbing Banks has been against the law since the 1800’s and people are still robbing banks.” He has an excellent point and so laws can be part of the solution but we need to do more.

I had a conversation today with a friend and something she said struck me. We were discussing the topic of bullying and she mentioned how she was really concerned about her daughter. Her daughter, who is young came home from school and told her mother that a little girl said she was "ugly". My friend was visibly upset and overwhelmed with what to do. She explained that she never experienced any of this growing up. She grew up in another country and in her country they don’t bully. It is not part of her culture.  "Aha!", if it is not part of her culture and it should not be part of our culture. Perhaps parents have spent a lot of time teaching kids how to protect themselves from being bullied but have we taken enough accountability in teaching our kids not to be bullies?

I look back at my child hood years and know my parents worked very hard to teach me right from wrong, but the truth is, I’ve screwed up at times and made some poor decisions. So, the question is, What do we do to make this go away? What can we do to contribute in a positive way and allow our kids to handle the situations and that they will endure them with courage and candor? How can I contribute in a positive way that will instill in their hearts and their brains that saying and doing things that will intentionally hurt another person is wrong and unacceptable?

I believe my children will never be a bullies, but I’d be naive to think my children couldn’t get caught up with a wrong group of kids and perhaps act in an inappropriate manner. My heart goes out to the family of Tyler Clementi, but I also seem to have a sympathetic side to the children who did this act of bullying, I have to assume that these kids are bright and never intended to do such a terrible and stupid prank, or to borrow from our popular culture, "Punk'd" that resulted in such tragedy. No one has mentioned any previous scenarios where these kids have been intentionally mean and done such terrible acts. So there are a couple of old school rules that we as parents should be responsible to drill into their heads, we must educate our children about bullying and how terrible it is and the consequences it can cause.

How do we not raise bullies?
 
Do Unto Others - Often referred to as “The Golden Rule”. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Raising kind and thoughtful children doesn’t happen by magic. It is a lesson and life skill you must teach. As children grow up they will begin to face bigger challenges in life that will test there adherence to this rule. If there is an incident tell your child to put herself in the other child’s shoes for a minute and see what it feels like to be there. As an adult, we too, need to follow this rule and so next time you get upset and treat someone unkind, try putting yourself in that persons shoes too.

Think Before You Speak - Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me. Not true. Perhaps this is a great way to ward off bullies, but it is often not true at all. Words can really be hurtful to both children and adults. Teaching children at a young age to think before they speak is one of life's most important and valuable lesson.

Walk The Walk - If we want to raise kind and considerate children we must lead by example. Think about the way you talk to your spouse, your nanny, your employees, your maintenance workers. Adults are not called out for bullying, but often are using bully tactics to get things they want.

A Library of Books - Fables are great stories to use when teaching children valuable lessons. Children understand better when taught through stories. There are several children’s books about bullying and how to prevent and deal with situations. Eleanor Roosevelt said “Learn from mistakes of others, you can’t live long enough to make them all yourself”
 
How do we not raise bully victims?

Build Confidence. When your child feels good about himself and his achievements, he will respond better to negative comments and will be able to let things roll of his shoulders. My son recently began taking karate. He loves it and has already earned three advance stripes on his white belt. Both my husband and I agreed that Karate would be a perfect activity for him. He, like many 5 year old boys was becoming a bit aggressive. He never did anything too bad, but the occasional shove to his sister happened. We thought learning the importance of respect, discipline and humility was an important life skill along with learning self defense. What I quickly realized was, while he is learning to physically protect himself, with each stripe earned he has become a lot more confident in his own body. I’m not sure if it’s a coincidence but he even likes to walk around the house shirtless. I look at him and see a boy who with a couple of stripes of success and hard work has also gained 3 stripes of self-assurance, poise and courage. Any activity that allows your child an outlet to shine and be pleased with himself will build confidence which is a sure fire tool against bullies.

Kill with kindness - There is a great children’s book, Chester Raccoon and the Big Bully, written by Audrey Penn. The story focuses on Chester Racoon and his school friends who are being bullied by another raccoon. When Chester tells his mother he doesn’t want to go to school, she grows concerned and asks him why. Chester explains that there is a Bully raccoon who is mean and takes the ball away. Chester’s mother suggests that they stand up to the Bully but instead of retaliating they should look him straight in the eye with confidence and then ask him if he would like to join and play. In the end the Bully Raccoon is happy to be included and never bullies again. This may not apply to all situations, but statistics do show many bullies are mean because people have not been kind to them in the past and this is how they react by being unkind to others. Many bullies feel unloved and are angry.

What if you think your child is being bullied?

Listen and Communicate - Listen to your child and let them know you understand. Take their complaints seriously. The fact that your child is opening up and sharing is huge and usually whatever they tell you is most likely a fraction of what is really happening.

Be Reassuring - Children need as many people in their corner as they can get. Recognize their courage to speak up and let him know you understand how he feels. Perhaps share a childhood memory about a time you felt bullied. Try to find a solution or plan to move forward and always keep your word.
 
Don’t Play Superman - You will not help any situation by confronting a bully yourself. You cannot go onto the school bus and yell at a bully. This is not a good example, since you are now the bully and it will not help your child in the long run.

At the end of the day, we all have our fair share in the bully ring and compassion for the bully, the victim and yourself as the parent comes first.

For more information about bullying tips, below are some helpful websites you can refer to.
Safe Child
www.Bullying.org
www.No-bully.com
www.Cyberbullying.org