Forgiveness - M's Gems

By: Melissa Goldberg 

To err is human, to forgive is divine ~ Alexander Pope

Forgiveness Dove

As I am getting older, I am definitely getting wiser. I realize there is a lot to be said about the ability to forgive.

Forgiveness comes on all levels. There are circumstances where you are hurt because of a misunderstanding and times when it is on a deeper level, where you are completely betrayed and to best describe it, youʼve been blindsided, shocked and the thought and idea of ever forgiving the person in non existent. What I have learned personally about forgiveness is that it obviously takes a lot more then a kiss and make-up response.

Time does heal all wounds and it is up to you to get back up on your feet and find a way to move forward. I used to say “I forgive, but I donʼt forget.” I thought that the two were completely different and that I could forgive, but I was dead locked against forgetting. Over the years I have come to learn, you sort of need to forget a bit because if you donʼt let yourself truly move on and forget, it will still eat away at your heart and you will still hold it against the person who hurt you. I think itʼs kind of like a defense mechanism, you want to ensure that you never feel the pain again and so you think to yourself, if I forget what that person did to me, it might happen again - kind of like hopping a fence and knocking the wind out of you from falling flat on your face. I donʼt hop fences anymore.

I have forgiven.

In my experience, life has only gotten better and better from the moment I truly let go. It wasnʼt from the moment I received an apology, it was from the moment I stopped focusing on what happened and looked at whatʼs ahead. I am entitled to “my moments” and realize with each year that passes they are far and few between days that I think about what happened.

Forgiveness can be difficult, it can be complex and it can be impossible at times but it can also be satisfying, it can be nurturing and it can open your heart up to greater love.

“Holding resentment is like eating poison and waiting for the other person to keel over.” ~ Unknown

How Do You Forget? - Forgetting takes time and patience and sometimes a little help like:
• Distraction is always helpful, it allows you to stop obsessing over the situation and use your mind to think about other things. After a while it becomes less intentional but will certainly help you get past the initial hurt.
• Call on friends and loved ones to help you.
• Use relaxation, meditation and visualization to help you feel better.
• Find a solution.

Just recently I found out a business was not going to provide a service to me that I had already signed up for. I was so upset and angry. Obviously, the business was not going to call and apologize and I found myself obsessing with trying to get them to change their mind. I finally accepted the fact that it wasnʼt happening. Once I accepted the situation and thought of a solution, I found myself less angry and upset. I am already SO DONE with those jerks...well kind of, but Iʼll get there.

No Cheap Apologies - Let the person who hurt you know what you need to heal. It may be about having the person physically be there or it could be regaining trust. You need to be open and discuss what will help you heal and honestly, itʼs not fair to the person if you donʼt help them make things right. This goes both ways, if you hurt someone and apologize, make it genuine and make it for real. Make sure you mend that relationship. I have a friend who had a lousy relationship with her mother. There is no way for her mother to make up the years she wasnʼt really there for her daughter, but the time she spends with her grandchild has helped my friend heal and move forward. Her mom is working hard to make things right, however, you canʼt change the past and itʼs only fair that her daughter move forward and enjoy the present.

Answer this, Is it worth NOT forgiving? - If the person who hurt you or made you mad and were to die tomorrow, would you feel guilt or disheartened? My momʼs good friend just lost her brother. She was very close with her brother and he became very ill and only had a short amount of time before he passed. My mom told me how her friend and her brother had a falling out and for 3 years they barely spoke. If he hadnʼt become ill, who knows how much time would go by without them talking. She accepted what happened and decided it was not worth being upset about. She was able to spend his last months with him by his side. This works both ways, if there is someone you offended and know that you may owe them an apology donʼt wait. There is a prayer said during Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) it says (and donʼt quote me) you should repent one day before you die. Basically, donʼt live your life as though the person you offended will be around forever.

Some Relationships Are More Important to Preserve than Others - Itʼs about weighing the advantages and disadvantages of keeping someone in your life. I think many times itʼs relatives that really have problems and end up fighting or hurting one another. Iʼm not sure if itʼs because you assume you can treat another person a certain way or what. If you accept the situation and the relationship for what it is you can determine how close you want to be and move forward from the past.

Forgiveness is More for Yourself - You donʼt always have the strength to forgive but is important to work to a place of acceptance. Acceptance will clear your mind and allow you to use your energy on positive thoughts. If you can accept a situation and move forward you will be true to yourself (and whoʼs more important than yourself). When you observe children in a playground, often you will see them get into an argument, they may shout at each other, maybe take a swipe at one another. After a short period of time, they are over it, what ever it was and they are happily playing together again. Life doesnʼt make it that easy to get back into the sandbox but usually when you do it feels better.

Donʼt Worry About What People Think - If you want to make it right, then do so. Donʼt worry about what other people think. Too often you hear people judging others who choose to forgive. Whether itʼs on an Oprah show and someone forgives a murderer or on People Magazine when a couple reconciles after a bad break-up. People who apologize and people who forgive are brave and valiant. It takes a lot on both sides and they should be commended for having the strength to move forward and the desire for contentment.

As we approach a time of Thankfulness, take time to find this as a time of forgiveness...

~ Mʼs Gems