Is Forgiveness A Myth?

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Free Falling

My father’s mother used to say the pearl “family is family and you forgive your family.”

Forgiveness Mandala

While blood is thicker than water, rifts in the family unit happen and as we explored last week, Family Legacies can cast big dark spooky shadows. Family rifts usually run the deepest and swell back up around the holidays.

This week finds me holding a more reflective space and wondering why is forgiveness sometimes such a tough thing?

Grudges are often held as chips to throw down at a later stage. Like somehow you get a higher bargaining position if you’ve been wronged by someone in the past and remind them of it in a present battle.

In our heart of hearts we know we are all fallible. We are human after all. We wrong others and are wronged by others. While we may be more conscious and make a concerted effort not to suck, uh, you do or have or will.  "We know not what we do," remember.

As I explore forgiveness, my instinct is to carve out exceptions. Oh, sure I can forgive her, but I have no forgiveness for this person, that situation, not that criminal and certainly not that rat bastard. Obviously, I was thrilled to learn many of the major religions also have exceptions to the forgiveness rule. Divine validation to hold onto my grudges, woohoo!

This brought me right back to law school where you learned there is an exception for every rule. My personal exception is called the Johnny Depp exception, but that’s a whole other topic. Criminal Law was so fascinating in studying both sides to a story. Every defendant had a defense, perhaps a story or psychological pattern which led to their debachery. I’d be the worst juror on a murder case as I'd want to find the reasonable doubt and see the good in everyone.

Yet, the cases I read were external and hadn’t impacted me. If you are of the Buddha mindset, your thoughts and actions of others will only hold the higher space of love and of God and will never settle into a place that needs forgiveness.

Other mortals, like moi, have been impacted by persons or events which take a deep root in our soul's structure.  Once you realize that those negative feelings are stirring you can choose to let them into to the door of your soul, give them safe harbor or do some serious work to release them.

Most of us have corners in our hearts which can’t let go, will not let go.  Yet forgiveness frees your heart.  To start on the path of forgiveness is to commit to a process. Sometimes you can forgive but reconciliation is a whole other story.

Relatively recently I spoke with an old boyfriend and wounds from those days were resurfacing as memories and things that impacted me. I brought them ALL up (or at least the ones I recalled, could probably dish out some more) and it felt great to finally tell him these things I've held onto for over a decade. He must not have liked it so much, I mean, I was graceful but certainly not subtle about it, but I was surprised at how open he was to hearing me out and even more surprised at how easy it was for me to forgive him and let go.

In forgiveness we open our wounds, but like Melissa says, not all wounds will gracefully turn to scars. Some wounds seemingly run too deep. Yet to fully forgive we must re-gash those wounds and somewhere find the gift, the blessing, the lesson, then acknowledge it and let it heal, scar tissue and all.

Does one have to ask for forgiveness in order to receive it?  Can’t it be a singular act? Or must it be mutual? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. I found that in forgiveness you begin to find  acceptance, healing, compassion and forgiveness rather than negative feelings of resentment, loathing and disgust.

Another old boyfriend of mine used to say “don’t talk to me like I was your mother.” I used to pause every time he said this (which was frequently!) as I realized we often take liberty in how we speak to those we love.

Many parents experience lower thresholds of tolerance for their children and vice versa. They’ll speak to their children in tones that they wouldn’t dare take with their friends or colleagues. The people we should treat with the most respect we often treat with the least. Our family are the first testing ground of the virtues of trust, love, respect, honesty, and being vulnerability. When any of these are thwarted our heart begins to close and remains closed in our interactions with others.

When we do find ourselves in a forgiving mood, boundaries can remain intact or be set. Boundaries are a very good thing and may just be the shield you need with a family member, loved one, colleague or other person who you tend to slip into a "sorry state" with.

As we move towards Thanksgiving, I feel it is important to first forgive in order to then be truly open to a state of grace and thankfulness. The hardest person to forgive is often yourself.  Yet like one of my Facebook friends said, “Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.”  For in forgiveness lies true freedom.

I am all for free falling in love, and plan on taking my family with me!

Resources:
The Course Of Miracles: Marianne Williamson - Practically 5 people in the past few months have recommended this book which is now a free online course as well for coming to forgiveness and to truly living in the present.
Mayo Clinic: "Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges & Bitterness" by Dr. Katherine Piderman
 

Copyright © 2010 Cynthia Litman d/b/a Tigris Imprints. All Rights Reserved.