Power of One, Plus One

By: Cynthia Litman

Pearl of the Day: Modern Family Redo

As people rev up for the holidays, I tend to do a rewind and am thinking of this pearl “a boulevard of broken dreams may just be a road to somewhere else.”

I’m checking off our holiday shopping list and wonder why the heck I am buying crap. I don’t remember signing up for this, but then I remember I did. I always knew I'd be a mother. My dream was filled with the pitter patter of little feet and the stomping boots of a husband. So I filled in my notes to the song “first comes love, then comes marriage, then came 2 babies in double stroller.”

What if your dream never entailed getting married but still creating a family?

Like Angelina, after 2 marriages, staunchly declaring “I don’t need a man” but still wanting to be a mom and endeavored to start a family on her own (well, I’m sure with an army of hired help) and adopted Maddox. That is, until there was Brad (whereas I implore a Johnny Depp exception, she obviously has a Brad Pitt exception), and their most famous melting pot of a family is shifting the view of the family norm.

The makeup of a modern family is shifting and women are also declaring “I don’t need a man” (but, uh, maybe, I’d take a Brad Pitt) to be a mom.

The group mentality of “Society” seems to dictate how our life “should be” and what we “should” aspire to be, to do and to have.  Our society and laws favor the traditional family structure which is painted as a mommy, daddy, brother, sister, dog and a white picket fence.

This pretty picture of American family life is changing and morphing as we evolve.  

More families are blending a la Brady Bunch style, or adding more bodies, or co-habitating without marrying, or living in separate abodes but still declare themselves “family”, or are swapping out a mother or a father for the tale of two dads or two moms.  

Or, the other equation is we subtract a second parent altogether, whether by occurrence or by not even factoring a partner in the first place.

There is power in one, plus one.

What if having spouse or partner wasn’t part of the equation at all and you wanted a child but not a spouse or partner?

Luckily, women and men today who want to be single parents have options much obliged to advances in reproductive technologies, surrogate mothers and adoption.

Men and women can have it all. That is, they can have all that they want for themselves. Choosing to be a single parent is a courageous act of faith.  It takes constant dismantling of the societal pressures for yourself and consistently on the faces of onlookers.

Although I will take license here to speak on behalf of all moms and say that every mom at least once has been tempted to kick their child’s father to the curb and just do it themselves.  Some would say it would even be easier. Others welcome the mini respites they have when their significant others take a hike for a few days.

Yet knowing that it’s all YOU, all the time, your own 24 hour news cycle, is such a huge responsibility and not for the pastime moms. 

There are days when I just have to turn off the mom switch and throw in the towel. And I consider myself to be a happy, engaged and dedicated mom with two ridiculously delicious kids. No matter how boundless your energy is or how magnificent your children are, you need a break. There are times when I turn to my husband and just say, "all you babe" or I'll ditch, I mean, leave the kids with my parents for a night (or two or however long they'll keep em for) so I can catch a break.

Knowing you have a teammate to divide and conquer the juggling act of parental responsibilities is part of the safety net and allure of marriage. So is having someone to blame when something doesn’t get done, falls through the cracks or someone busts their lip on a table (poor Nicky!!) and better, for when your kids display unruly attributes that they obviously didn't inherit from you. 

Without a support system the whole game plane falters. Yet single parents are their support system.

Sure you can have grandparents, family, friends and hired help pitching in every now and again and all the teachers and professional advisers rolling as part of your entourage but one thing those people have in common is that they can hand the baby back to you or let them out when the bell rings and say "bye, good luck with that."

They are the 3 sides of the checks and balances parental system - judicial, legislature, executive. You can have all the support, advice and guidance in the world but at the end of the day you are making, enforcing and adjudicating your child's future with your own two hands. You are the President, Speaker of the House and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. 

That's pretty awesome.

While you may be a single parent, you are never alone, you will always have your baby. From the second you conceive your alone days are gone. You may be lonely and exhausted, perhaps, but the one plus one equation of parenthood is true power. Hey, married or single that’s also what a girls night out is for!

Now when technology advances to the point of being able to clone yourself, that’ll be a whole other ballgame and just may render husbands extinct (speaking from a women’s perspective of course).

Hats off to every single mom and dad out there fulfilling their dreams and paving a new roadway to parenthood. 

More power to you!

MOMMAS PEARLS RADIO SHOW:  This week we'll be speaking with single momma, Stacey MacGlashan, MSW, LCSW about her book "Just You and Me, Kid".

RESOURCES:

Single Parent Center