Sparking Independence

By: Cynthia Litman

Marble Angel

Pearl of the Post: Fluffing Wings

My friend Lainie, called me with the insight to explore the state of children's independence in today's family system, a brilliant topic which led me to the Denis Waitley pearl, "The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence." 

Our chat coincided as America was celebrating its independence and remembering the cost those paid to leave behind a nation, friends, family to search out a dream.

Our cycle with our children is similar. They live under our "rule" until ready to fly on their own. How do we help our children soar confidently out of our nests and how do we not clip their wings?

Independence, confidence and insightful parenting may be the prerequisites. 

Let's explore:

Chopped by Choppers
Helicopter parents are not the best at independence. When in chopper mode, you hover over your child at def con level 4. A chopper's shadow is cast so strongly over a child so no light nor darkness filters its pores, nothing except you in all your chopper glory. There are times and places where piloting in chopper mode is perfectly appropriate. Other times, debatable.

By all means swoop in while kids are swimming in a pool or ocean, especially if they are young swimmers and cannot yet comprehend what may happen in their environments like, if they toss their friend in the pool or venture too far into deceptively deep waters. Provide guidance and boundaries and then back off a bit.

At more relaxed levels swallow your breath and pray like the rest of us.

Control Yourself
Parental urges are fierce. Momma reflexes pounce before our children have a moment to act. I'll speak for my child and then wonder why he has speech delays. I began stopping myself after seeing other parents do the same thing. Was I speaking for his benefit or mine?

Children are more capable then we permit and should assume the consequences of their actions, not us. It's often quicker and easier to just answer for them but patience is a virtue in the short term as children learn the language of the world for the long run.

Pull in your reigns, and loosen up theirs.

Situational
Cultivating independence depends on your child. Their age, demeanor, comprehension levels all of that. But it also depends on the opportunities they are presented with to try things out. If you are a single working momma or have multiples your kids typically have to fend for themselves and figure out the how to's earlier for survival. Other environments must be cultivated.

Create exploratory environments.

Think for Themselves
Conscious communications with children is one of my favorite Tele-call and MomShop topics as it's hard to reprogram your language. It takes constant awareness.

Pay attention to your wording and heed Peggy O'Mara's pearl "the way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice." Free yourself from that pressure and your children from the pain by using your words consciously. Notice how you speak to them, your tone, intonations. You'll uncover your own fears, insecurities, values and limiting beliefs coded within your language choices.

Do you couch your communications in fear? Like, "if you do that honey you will hurt yourself." Instead of plaguing your child with fear try offering suggestions of how they can climb that hill without twisting their ankle.

Talk vs. Interrogate
Inspiring independent thinkers and children who feel comfortable sharing their lives with their parents is a lofty goal. Our children are programmed to give the "right" responses versus the space to craft their own thoughts. Do you ask leading questions that state the answer or open questions? Do you over question? I do. From the minute they get home it's a barrage of questions about their day, activities, feelings, friends, homework, snack preferences, etc. Our children don't have the freedom to think, feel and share before demands for answers are made.

Conversations are often confused with interrogations. Opt for open ended statements like "Share with me..." or "I'm excited to hear about your adventures today" that give your children the freedom to explore how they really feel and what they want to share.  Then just listen.

Right to Privacy?
Do children have a right to privacy? In our over - sharing social media culture privacy is a coveted commodity. My friend Amanda Perez of CHAT suggests the pearl that children need to understand that being private is a good thing and not just about their privates. Respecting their space and privacy is a major sign of respect.

Parents demand privacy (if you're lucky enough to get it) and there's plenty that we don't share with our children, your children have the right to keep things to themselves. Naturally, if you suspect something serious, probe. Growing up I got "caught" for everything so being open and truthful was the only way to go with my parents. Truth became the norm.

Truth and respect are two way streets.

Speak for Themselves
Asking for what you want is a great life skill. If they want something let them ask for it, nicely. Let your children look the wait staff in the eye and request their meals at restaurants. They'll have to do this in the school cafeteria so start the practice. Let them go make change and conversation with the ice cream man.

Do for Themselves
Ask not what you have to do for your child but what your child can do for themselves.

After spending half a day picking up after my children, I snapped. I had stuff to do for myself and yet there I was, moving their cereal bowls to the sink then dishwasher, picking up their breadcrumbs - a sock in the living room, shirt in the den, towels in the bathroom, toys just about everywhere... Enough! Time for my children to get on board as my home aint the Four Seasons.

To jump start this we created a Chore Chart and individualized the chores based upon my kid's ages, activities and sphere of droppings. To my delight, they relished in their responsibilities and loved seeing their checks fill in their chore chart. They were not happy with blank boxes and began earning bonus points by helping each other or me out. I gained an hour in my day and suddenly their tone softened and their manners returned to "Oh, I'll help you" instead of "why do I have to do this!?"

I was onto something here... 

Convert GET ME to Help Yourself
My son's charming request of "Mom, GET ME a snack" was also do for a slap up. "Get Me?" "GET ME?" Where's the damn respect. That's a minus on the chore chart kid. "Get it yourself", was my knee jerky defensive remark. "But I can't reach it." Convenient excuse. Grab a chair and get it went the power struggle. The more you do the more they expect.


We compromised, placing appropriate items within your children's reach is a gem of an idea. 

Move kid snacks into reach and convert GET ME to HELP YOURSELF.  A friend did this placing cereal and milk within reach. The milk is ballsy but nothing to cry over especially if your kids can clean up after THEY spill it. Practice portion control and self regulation by moving the healthy foods within reach and the junk food where it's a multi-step process. They need to think first then ask for help then wait to get it.

Figure it Out
Our kids are more capable then we give them credit for. This didn't sink in until we switched my then 3 year old son into a special needs school and his teacher firmly said "these kids are capable and I inspire them to do what they need to do." Indeed, Ms. Jen did that and then some.

We often cripple our kids by placing limits onto what they are perfectly capable of doing. Check your limits but let your kids discover the edge of theirs. Let them tackle problems. Instead of "needing" you they'll be wanting to enjoy your comradely. Try dumping the packet of Legos with building instructions and see what happens.

May need to give them cues but watch and learn how capable they are.

We are creating tomorrow's adults tasked with being productive members of society. 

I love my mom's pearl "groom them into adults who'll you'll love". 

Copyright © 2013 Cynthia Litman d/b/a Tigris Imprints. All Rights Reserved.

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